i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
