Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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