If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
