I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drunk is not a location!
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
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