Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
