Jerry, you need to find god
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Randomize
