Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
