Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
