it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
