my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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