so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
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