i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
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