The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
the liver wants what the liver wants
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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