I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
