best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
