my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Randomize
