I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
It's what's on the inside that counts(972): They probably have big open vaginas so the inside is no good
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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