So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
