I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
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