Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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