Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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