Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
