I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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