I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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