dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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