I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Randomize
