am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
