Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Randomize
