A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
