i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
you win again, gameday.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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