I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
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i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
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It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
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