If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
