Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
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