just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
