Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
