you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
