3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall