I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
23 People Noticed Deal Breakers in Their Partner A Little Too Late
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
23 Millennials Confess The Things They Wish They Weren’t Attracted To
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
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