The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Randomize
