dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Randomize
