Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Randomize
