Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I intend to get homeless drunk
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
