she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
