Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
