i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
