I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
