I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
