There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
