Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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