I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
