i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
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Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
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You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
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