Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
