Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
