do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize
