i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Randomize
