A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
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