dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
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