some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
